I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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