and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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