I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
