I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
