Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
