Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
