wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
how do you play pong handcuffed?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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