I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
