my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
