It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
