420 ftw
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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