I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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