nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
