so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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