Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
