so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
