This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
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I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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