Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
