you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
