i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
