Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
