She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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