I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
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Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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