Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
