Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
