the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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