I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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