Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
