Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
