i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
