Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I did not marry a roomba.
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