States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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