Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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