Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
