The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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