I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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