I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
