paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
