He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
