You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
