Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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