I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
