Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
from now on my penis is your penis
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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