Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
