I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
