It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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