Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
