why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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