take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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