to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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