No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
from now on my penis is your penis
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
