a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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