Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
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Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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