She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
sex in a hospital.. check
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
