I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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