Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
