it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
